A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, "Where have you been?"
I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours, when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back seat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-- Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
-- William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-- Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-- Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
-- Anonymous

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
-- Anonymous